Good Irish Lad

Johnny came from Ireland
Where the wild shamrock grows
Came from Dublin or from Galway
Or from who the hell knows?
He was dumb as a post
And his manners where frightful
But when you've got an accent
Americans find you delightful

To say Johnny was charming is putting it kindly
He had pimples and pockmarks and a big fat behindy
But if he talked to a girl and he called her a "corker"
Within twenty minutes she'd be lettin' him pork 'er

So the locals got jealous and a little bit cranky
Why'd a girl want a mick when she could have a yankee
So they gathered with torches to drive Johnny from town
Then he quoted some Yeats and they bought him a round

They said "Johnny, oh, Johnny's a good Irish lad
So how could he ever do anything bad
He made out with my wife I could tell she was glad
Set him up, he's a good Irish lad"

One night our young hero got a little bit tipsy
And he went on a rampage from the Bronx to Poughkeepsie
When he slugged an old woman, punched a baby in the jaw
Even Riverdance fans had to call in the law

So the cop cars came down with their sirens a-blarin'
Til' they saw the tweed jacket and cap he was wearin'
And the chief said "this young man's not the least bit alarmin'
He's got a hot Irish temper and I think it's charmin'

He said, "Johnny, oh, Johnny's a good Irish lad
So how could he ever do anything bad
He beat up my lieutenant and sodomized my dad
Set him free! He's a good Irish lad"

So when I met Johnny myself on the street
Swore I'd not be another one down at his feet
I'd remember he's ugly and creepy and vile
I'll tell him where to stick his old fair emerald isle

But I sat next to Johnny while drinking a beer
And he scratched at his balls and he burped in my ear
And when I objected he said "Pogue ma hone"
I said "Johnny, I love ya, I'm not made of stone."

I said "Johnny, oh, Johnny's a good Irish lad
So how could he ever do anything bad?
He's left me broken-hearted and wiser but sad
I'm a girl - he's a good Irish lad!"