BIG LOUSY MOON (2007)

ALL SUMMER LONG - Last night was fun/Tonight is gonna be fun too/Hey, everyone/Let's think of all the fun things we can do/Playing croquet under the blue skies/Lay on the roof and watch the moon rise/Who's up for popsicles and curly-fries?/Everyday is getting awesomer and awesomer/Every night is getting awesomer and awesomer/And it will keep on getting awesomer and awesomer/All summer long/Today was sweet/Tomorrow's gonna be sweet too/We're in bare feet/I'm walking on Coney Island with you/Winter was cold and spring was chilly/And I got so sad that it was silly/But now I'm putting something frilly on/CHORUS/Put that white boy whining on the stereo/This is the time for Stevie Wonder/All the bad nights we had and fights we had and all the sorrow/Let's go walk on the bridge and watch them all go under/CHORUS

OH, ELIZABETH I - If you're feeling lonely and if you're feeling blue and things are at their worst/If you know your history then just what I do: Sing a song about Elizabeth the First/ Some say she was a tyrant. She was mean to all her vassals/But then hey, I wasn't there. Maybe her vassals all were assholes/And her daddy left four step moms with the women that he wedded/And he got a little paranoid and had her mom beheaded/And her cousin tried to kill her so she locked her in a garrison/It makes your folks divorce seem pretty minor by comparison/Oh, Elizabeth, get some sleep/Take that crazy crown on off your head/The Spanish armada has been battled back to Spain/And now you run the middle ages from the middle of your bed/She had a lot of suitors. Lots of princes made a pass at her/I bet that once or twice she would make out with an ambassador/But the couriers and courtiers were uppity and boring/She had crushes on explorers but they always went exploring/So she never kept a king. She held her independence higher and/Her sexual frustration, she just took it out on Ireland/Oh, Elizabeth, get some sleep/Wipe that crazy frown on off your head/The Catholic insurgents are all lying in a ditch/And now you run the middle ages from the middle of your bed/And they named a colony after her/And they called it Virginia cuz she's the Virgin Queen/Which seems to me awfully personal/Oh, Elizabeth, get some sleep/Wipe those crazy tears on off your head/Your poets and your pirates they all like you as a friend/And you run the middle ages from the middle of your bed

BIRDY IN THE DRIVEWAY - Leaving today/See a birdy in your driveway/Gathering twigs for his nest/At the end of his labor/You'll have a new neighbor/New neighbor for a boy that I like best/Here I've got this one night stand/I guess I better take it/Put my heart right in your hand/And leave before you break it/But if I could stay/For just another day/We'd make a love montage as good as any/Go to a fair/Win an over-sized bear/Bump heads reaching for the same penny/I knew how I wanted it when we said hello/I would watch you come and you would watch me go/Now I'm jealous of the birdy/Not just cuz he can fly/But he's just moving in/And I'm saying goodbye/Here I've got this one night stand/I'm tough and I can take it/I'm on tour and you're on land/Was grand to have you naked/Well, the bird gets to stay/In his nest in your driveway/Long after on I have rambled/He and his birdy mate/Hatch eggs together-eggs are great/I eat mine in a diner in Oregon scrambled.

DISASTER - You've got disaster written all over you/In sharpie, in capital letters/So we shouldn't start/But it's hard to be smart/With our hands under eachother's sweaters/You've got disaster written all over you/Underlined three times in read/The writing on the wall/It's seven feet tall/But it's too dark to read from my bed/And I've got a sign on my back that says hurt me/It's easy/I'm a wuss. I'm a puss. I'm a bleeder/You've got disaster written all over you/But I've never been much of a reader/So go on and read me the braille of my goosebumps/They say love her then go when you no longer need her/You've got disaster written all over you/But I've never been much of a reader.

A BAD FEELING ABOUT ANNA KARENINA - I've got a bad feeling about Anna Karenina/I feel like it's gonna go bad/She just met a man she likes more than her husband/And I feel like he is gonna make her sad/They're all hanging out, shaking hands at the station/When a train rolls over a peasant/And I could be wrong, but it feels like foreshadowing/And she's in for something unpleasant/And I wish that I could walk into the pages/And tell her how bad it all goes/But this feeling I have about Anna Karenina/I feel like she already knows/Oh, and if I know Tolstoy and Anna Karenina/She won't stay away from the man/And she can't stop her heart and she can't stop the train/But, baby, which one of us can?

THE BALLAD OF THROAT CULTURE - I wish I was in a band/Being a solo singer makes me blue/So if you wanna join my band/Here's what I can offer you/We'd be called throat culture and we'd start off small/We'd play in Scranton, Pennsylvania at the Shriner's Hall/We'd get discovered at a smokey bar/By some British guy named Nigel/Said he'll make us all a star/And we say "Fuck that, man/We're not about the fame/We don't need to suck like Creed/Or someone just as lame/All across the land/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Nigel talks us in. Move to LA/In the studio be slavin' every night and every day/Until the label says we should replace/Our funny-looking bassist with a marketable face/And we say "Fuck that, man/No, man, don't even try/Bob's been with us since we started/We don't mind his lazy eye/Or his disfigured hand/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Bob's replacement guy is called The Blade/He's always wearing leather and he's always getting laid/We share our vicodin. He shares cocaine/By the time the tour is started, no one's feeling any pain/The label named the tour, "The tour of doom"/But they kick all the teenagers out of the dressing room/These girls are old enough to throw bras on stage/But we're not supposed to love them because they're underage/And we say "Fuck that, man/we're all about our people/I don't need to see her i.d./When I can clearly see her neeple/Plus she's nicely tanned/And we're a rock n' roll band"/I develop a heroin addiction/You develop an aversion to the sun/We both contract a syphilis affliction/Now tell me if that doesn't sound like fun/I'm always so coked up I'm missing shows/I get so wasted at the Grammy's I punch J-Lo in the nose/When we play Omaha we start a riot/But you get pissed when I throw Nigel through the window at the Hyatt/You come to my place to intervene/You find me hanging by the pool-house, shooting smack with Ben Vereen/You say I've gone down-hill since rags to riches/It used to be about the homies, now it's all about the bitches/and I say "Fuck you, man/You motherfuckin' sellout/You were nothing when I found you at The Sidewalk/Get the hell out/Don't you know who I am?/Get the fuck out of my rock n' roll band!"/So if you wanna join my band/Do all the things that I have planned/Leave your number, cuz you can clearly see/That you oughta be/In a rock n' roll band with me.

LIKE YOU LIKE - You like your women like you like your eggs/Way over easy/You like your women like you like your grits/On a plate and cheesy/And you're like coffee/Hot and sweet/But more like toffee/Just a treat/So I think we'll have to put our heat on hold/I like my men like I like my coffee/Pale, bitter and cold.

BULL RUN BEER RUN - Let's go on a beer run, baby/I'm giving the word/Let's make like bird/And make a migration/Cuz I spent four dollars, baby/Last night in a bar/For a PBR/Can't afford the libation/I know a spot in Virginia/They'll pour a shot of gin right in ya/For cheaper than a coke/And you can sit and smoke/And cigarettes are almost free/Vices get cheaper the deeper south you go/You can't afford to be sober/We'll go where the prices are so low/We'll be dead by October/Graveyard in Savannah, baby/Just look at the dates/Seems most of these mates didn't make it to thirty/Confederate daughters, maybe/They may have been strong/It's hard to live long/When living so dirty/They cry out, "Dixie don't forget us/Sweet land where pork costs less than lettuce/It's 1864/We'll stay for just one more/Have one, you might as well have three"/Vices get cheaper the deeper south you go/Lives don't seem so pricey either/We'll go with our dignity and dough/Then we'll head back north with neither.

SONG TO MAKE YOU CRY - Think about some orphans and how destitute they are/Think about your kitten that was hitten by that car/Think of how you never got to tell Mr. Whiskers goodbye/Tonight, for once, you're gonna be the one of us to cry/Think about that Smiths song that you never let me play/Think of how the rain-forrest is shrinking every day/Think of all those birdies that are now too sad to fly/Tonight, for once, you're gonna be the one of us to cry/Cuz I've spent too many nights reaching for the tissues/You tell me I have issues/But my issue is you suck/I'm gonna make you tear up/Just like you do to me/Then I will help you cheer up/Eventually/Think about the time that you got stood for the prom/Think about the way that hunter blasted Bambi's mom/Now think of all your friends and how some day they'll all die/Tonight, for once, you're gonna be the one of us to cry.

LESBIAN COWGIRL - There is a tale that's out west/And around the campfires it gets told/Tale of a cowgirl with spurs made of silver and a mullet of gold/Many a man tried to tame her/Prospect a claim on the gal/Many a man had to learn the hard way that she played in a different corral/Yippee-aye-kye-oh/Yippee-aye-kye-ay/Get along little lesbian cowgirl/You're riding away/She rode with a gang of gamblers/horse thieves and rowdy ramblers/They were robbing banks from Amarillo down to San Antone/But when robbing turned to killing/Cowgirl said she wasn't willing/To be party to the bloodshed; She would go it on her own/But the gang was tough and mean/They didn't want her going clean/And they told her that they'd sooner see her dead than see her gone/But that night where they were sleeping/The cowgirl she went a-creeping/And the morning found her riding fast and free across the dawn/Yippee etc./Life was lonely with a laso/Til she rode into El Paso/Met a woman who made pottery and also made her frisky/And the woman's name was Kate/And when she asked her for a date/She said "The only thing that I take straight's my talkin' and my whiskey"/They got a small house on the prairie/Hearts were light and legs were hairy/But a cowgirl with a sweetheart needs a little room to roam/Kate said, "I knew you'd never change/Go take a ride out on the range/I'll be waiting for you, happy in our home"/Well, she pauses her pony way up on the butte/Looks at the sky bright above/And the desert's a jungle of bright ruby fruit/When your heart's full of girl-on-girl love/Yippee etc./While the cowgirl was out riding/Her old gang came out of hiding/They were looking for the cowgirl but they found her Kate instead/Kate said, "She's gone and you won't find her/She has left you fools behind her"/But the gang just laughed at Kate and then they pumped her full of lead/By the time cowgirl got back/To their sweet adobe shack/And she found her own true love lyin' in blood upon the floor/While she battled back her tears/The gun she hadn't touched in ears/Found its way into her holster as she headed out the door/And she found them rootin' tootin'/And the cowgirl came out shootin'/And she shot them all down easy- must have been a dozen men/She tipped her hat and flipped her reigns/And took off across the plains/And nobody ever heard from her again/But sometimes to this very day/The old, old-times say/If your horse is getting restless and the night is getting long/And the moon is bright and clear/If you listen, you can hear/The cowgirl in the distance as she sings her mournful song/Yippee etc.

BOO FRICKIN' HOO - Stop, you're gonna make me cry/You mean to tell me that some guy/He took your heart and left you in a spin/I'm stupified by what you're saying/Hey, wait. Do you hear something playing?/I think it's the world's smallest violin/Boo frickin' hoo/So some guy's been frickin' you/Well, we all get fricked around from time to time/No frickin' ands or ifs or buts/You think you're special? You're frickin' nuts/It's just what boys and girls were born to do/Boo frickin' hoo/So I guess that you must be/The first girl in all history/To wake and find that her true love is gone/The first one to be left alone/Well, get me Jerry Lewis on the telephone/And we'll get you a great, big telethon/Boo frickin' hoo/I'm sure you've fricked somebody too/And you'll live to frick someone over again/It's a vicious, frickin', ugly cycle/First Mark fricks Meg then Meg fricks Michael/The frickin' never frickin' ends, it's true/Boo frickin' hoo!